Tidal Wave
by Shirohibiki
Summary: Squidward spirals into depression and self-loathing. His boyfriend comes to the rescue and attempts to cheer him up. Squidbob, human AU.


_**A/N:** Inspired by the song Tidal Wave by Owl City. Written for my humanization AU, info on my tumblr at /spongebobau. _

_I wish I could cross my arms, and cross your mind, 'cause I believe you'd unfold your paper heart and wear it on your sleeve. All my life, I wish I broke_ _ **mirrors**_ _instead of_ _ **promises**_ _– 'cause all I see is a_ _ **shattered conscience**_ _ **staring right back at me**_ _. I wish I had covered all my tracks completely 'cause I'm_ _ **so afraid**_ _– is that the_ _ **light**_ _at the far end of the tunnel, or_ _ **just the train**_ _? Lift your arms, only heaven knows where the danger grows… And it's safe to say there's a_ _ **bright light**_ _up ahead and_ _ **help is on the way**_ _._

Something was wrong today. Extra wrong.

The sorrow deeply etched into his features enhanced the look of exhaustion. He spoke approximately ten words all day and once the day was over, disappeared soundlessly. While that wasn't all _that_ unusual, it was definitely worse today, especially considering he'd seemed happier over the course of the week.

Had something happened?

Spongebob couldn't recall of anything of note. What could it be? Just a bad day? Something else? _He had to find out._ Immediately. Was if it was super serious?! He'd already leapt onto his unicycle by the time he was able to utter a goodbye to a Mr. Krabs who wasn't even outside. Should he bring him something? But what? He didn't even know. Maybe after he checked on him first.

* * *

 _Help is on the way…_

 ** _I forget the last time I felt brave – I just recall insecurity. 'Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me._**

He rode as fast as his legs would take him, which was actually pretty fast, considering he cycled often and had developed decently strong leg muscles. As per usual fashion in these situations, he gracefully fell off of his unicycle in a frantic attempt to reach Squidward's house more quickly once he'd reached his own front yard. 'Faster' in this case included clawing and scrambling at the ground until he regained his footing, only to stumble over to Squidward's house. He was terribly out of breath from the whole ordeal, wheezing as he banged at the front door. "SQUIDWARD? Are you there? Did you… Ah… Come home? Is something… Guh… Wrong? Can I… Come in?" Dangit Squarepants, catch your breath! The few moments he waited were spent doing so. Unsurprisingly, he received no answer. Squidward had specific places he holed up when extra upset, though, so there was no question he'd be in one of those spots.

Spongebob found his partner with his first guess.

It wasn't much of a hiding place, really, nor was it exclusive to him feeling down – more that it was just one of Squidward's favorite places in the house. He had curled up on his side atop one of the couches in his sun room, his blank, piercing stare not moving from one of the windows. Spongebob gasped as he burst into the room. _"Squidward!"_ The former jumped, gaze flickering to him for a brief moment before he rolled over to face away from his boyfriend and hugged his knees tighter to his chest. "Squidward, what's the matter?!" Spongebob was on him in a second, assuming the role of worried mother hen. He knelt down on the floor, placing one hand on Squidward's arm and the other on the back of his head. He received no feedback, negative or otherwise. The water was heavy with misery – so much so that it was stifling. Spongebob held his breath in anticipation, but when Squidward didn't move, he whimpered and nudged closer, pressing his nose to the nape of his neck. "Squiddy..?"

* * *

 ** _Depression_** _, please,_ _ **cut to the chase**_ _, and_ _ **cut a long story short**_ _– oh_ _ **please be done**_ _, how much_ _ **longer**_ _can this_ _ **drama afford to run**_ _? Fate looks sharp,_ _ **severs all my ties**_ _, and_ _ **breaks**_ _whatever_ _ **doesn't bend**_ _… But sadly then,_ _ **all my heavy hopes just pull me back down again**_ _._

Nothing in particular had happened to send Squidward in a downward spiral today – moreso that the thoughts started and didn't stop, and down he went. He was so tired of this – he didn't want to feel this way anymore. But every time he gathered some optimism, it was always ruined. First, his entire relationship with Squilliam – he'd been happy at first, but after a little while that turned into something toxic though it was no fault of his own. Next, his relationship with Squilvia – it had been blissful, but he'd chased her away by being too desperate and hasty. Now, his relationship with Spongebob – would it last..? All of his others had failed marvelously. Squidward just knew he was going to fuck it up somehow – it was a wonder Spongebob even still _talked_ to him considering how he'd treated him all this time. It was so nerve-wracking sometimes – he was constantly afraid he'd accidentally do something that developed into the final straw.

He was an utter _jackass_. There were times he didn't mean to be, but it was so… Ingrained. Needless to say, that didn't help his case in the least, and only enhanced the negative reactions he received from others. There were the people who made fun of him for everything he did – he tried and tried, but others only seemed to hate his work. If someone _did_ like it for whatever reason, it was later spoiled by something or another. It all blew his confidence to smithereens. Truthfully, his snobbish attitude and complete disdain for others was a big part of what fueled the dismissal of his work and therefore the constant decimation of his self-esteem. If he insulted someone and in the same breath then bragged about his new painting, expecting to be lauded, what sort of response would most give? Not the one he wanted, to be sure. If he were to be congenial, people would enjoy him _and_ his creations far more. This had been proven to him quite a few times, but he spurned such notions every time because it was easier to sit in your victim complex than it was to change.

Squidward tried to remember a time when he wasn't so… Like _this._ Of course, that was long ago – before he'd dated Squilliam. That relationship had been a turning point in his life – one of the worst, in fact. It sent him down this path that he was now trying so desperately to stray from. _Squilliam Fancyson III_ had taught him many things, such as how to have the utmost pretentious cynicism and vainglory one could possibly possess. He'd also taught him that they were better than everyone else – others were mere bottomfeeders who didn't deserve their time, and that was all they ever would be. Naturally, however, this only applied to Squidward when they were dating; the second they split, Squilliam condemned him as a bottomfeeder with the rest of the world – but even without Squilliam around, the notion had become too convincing. It stuck and was only magnified by the pain he went through from the relationship.

Memories swam around in his mind – he remembered the day long ago when a film he'd been really excited for came out. Ecstatic, even. He'd been bouncing around with joy until Squilliam scorned him for making them look ' _uncool'_ in public. Squidward's excitement was 'embarrassing,' and so he'd had to learn to taper it when he was with Squilliam. Being noisy, being 'childish,' enjoying 'childish' things – that was frowned upon, and Squidward had to adjust himself accordingly. That too became ingrained, and was one of the sources of his frustration with Spongebob. He was so annoying, immature, and _everything Squidward hadn't been allowed to be in that relationship._ For years. It created jealousy, anger, sadness, longing, and… Somewhere beneath all of that, at the very bottom… Happiness and relief. Happiness for the fact that others, like Spongebob, hadn't stopped themselves from being enthusiastic about things. Hadn't forced themselves into a strange and harmful 'adult' stereotype in which many things were seen as 'too juvenile to be appropriate.' Seeing as the relationship with Squilliam started when he was about 18, he'd had the chance to be a stupid young teen – but therein laid the problem. They were at the cusp of 'adulthood,' and thusly he was taught that now that he was 18, he was a big boy and had to drop any interests that weren't _acceptable._

Because Squidward learned to hold back his zeal and to snub anything declared unsophisticated, he had a tendency to go overboard when he did allow it to come through. One example would be during a snowstorm years ago – Spongebob and Patrick had been having a snowball fight. Squidward yelled for them to stop such foolishness… And was eventually coerced to come out himself. That led to him waging an entire snowball _war_ on no one – he'd gotten so intense that his neighbors had left to do something else and he'd not noticed. Another easy example was the day he tried a Krabby Patty for the first time, and loved it so much he lost control with it. He'd convinced himself that they were merely odious slabs of filth and refused to try one for a long time. When he finally did, he found it so delicious he went haywire, but had to keep it a secret – no one could know he actually _liked_ something, not when he'd originally rebuffed it. There were appearances that needed to be kept, after all. This paranoia and need for secrecy only fueled the overreactions. He was breaking free, but still had some hangups, so he had to try harder to release all of those pent-up emotions.

Squidward had improved himself since then, though. He was learning to allow himself to get excited about things even if they were silly to others. He was learning to express his enthusiasm in general. He was learning that Squilliam had been wrong and was only trying to cover up _his own_ insecurities. He was learning that he didn't have to hide as much. He was learning to be more accepting of things. He had a _long_ way to go, but he'd made _some_ progress.

Beyond that, he'd also begun to grow as a person in general while he dated Squilvia – she tore down many of the walls he'd forged. She led him by example – she was a strong, independent, and _kind_ person. She never let others tell her what she could or couldn't do, and could or couldn't feel. At times she could be firm, but that did not detract from her sweetness. He'd been _so happy_ – and a happy Squidward meant a more open-minded and compassionate Squidward. Was he less of a jerk to Spongebob? Yes, but he still hadn't been nearly as appreciative of him as he should've been. There had been some developments made, but it didn't happen in the blink of an eye, _especially_ with his focus being on Squilvia. Regardless, she'd been a good influence on Squidward and their relationship had been healthy and fulfilling – something he sorely needed. Unfortunately, it only lasted seven months – Squidward had fallen too in love and proposed to Squilvia when she wasn't even remotely ready for such a big step. Since the universe had something against him, that scared her off, and he was left in the pit of despair. How long could this run on for? It all seemed hopeless – nothing mattered.

And then…

 _Spongebob_.

Spongebob Squarepants – they'd been neighbors for ten years and counting. He was an optimistic, annoying, obsessive, and hopelessly devoted little freak who had, for some reason, been in love with Squidward for ages. He was right there when Squilvia left Squidward, a shining beacon of light. His incandescence was blinding sometimes. He'd doted on Squidward tirelessly, striving for his happiness… And soon after, Squidward had come to understand _just_ how much his neighbor cared for him. He had never noticed how deep it was; never cared to look into it.

Unsurprisingly, he then realized something he had disregarded for a long time – just how much _he himself_ cared for _Spongebob_.

It eventually led to a relationship.

Spongebob often cried about how he _'couldn't believe this was really happening and that he was the luckiest guy in the world and he sometimes got afraid it was a dream and he'd wake up and it wouldn't be true._ ' It was… Heartbreaking, to say the least. Squidward couldn't _imagine_ what it was like to be madly in love with someone for so long and to have to deal with them being a complete jerk.

(Oh, wait. To a degree, yes, he could. Shhh. We try not to talk about that too much.)

He didn't know how the guy put up with it… But he was thankful that he did. Squidward was still afraid, though. Afraid of a lot of things. He wasn't worthy of Spongebob's care. He was an ignorant fool… Why couldn't he have realized that earlier?

He was falling too far. He needed help – and now it had arrived.

* * *

 _I forget the last time I felt_ _ **brave**_ _– I just recall_ _ **insecurity**_ _. 'Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and_ _ **sorrow**_ _swept over me._ _ **Then I was given grace and love… I was blind, but now I can see. 'Cause I found a new hope from above, and courage swept over me.**_

"Squiddy… Baby… Please…" Spongebob whimpered, wishing he knew what was wrong and how to fix it. Squidward _wanted_ to respond, but he was still sort of stuck in his thoughts – though those lips against the back of his neck were starting to pull him out.

But just then, the sensation was gone – he heard Spongebob getting up. "Okay, well… I'll…"

The second Spongebob left Squidward's side, terror struck his heart – no, wait, he didn't want to be alone! He wasn't sure he was strong enough to handle this by himself! Where was he going, why was he leaving?! He wasn't trying to ignore him! Now that he was _here,_ he didn't want him to go!

"S-Spongebob, wait—" Squidward jolted upright, reaching out so desperately he nearly fell off of the couch in the process. His boyfriend stopped dead in his tracks and turned right round to hustle to Squidward posthaste. Just the look of concern, fear, and tenderness in those cerulean eyes was enough to make him tear up. "Sponge…"

"Squidward! What—what's wrong?! I was just going to get you some hot chocolate, oh—" Spongebob leapt for the couch and in one fluid series of movements, leaned back and pulled Squidward half into his lap with his head against his chest. "I've got you, Squiddy, I'm here… I'm not leaving you… I promise… I'm sorry if I made it seem that way…" He shushed him gently, rubbing through teal locks of hair. A tidal wave of emotions hit Squidward all at once, and he began to sob.

"Spongebob…" Clutching at the blond's crisp button-down shirt, he pressed his face into his chest and cried. It hurt, it hurt a _lot_ – everything – but it felt so nice to be held. He could hear the soothing beat of Spongebob's heart, feel the hand in his hair and the one rubbing his back, absorb the heat emanating from his body… Spongebob looked down at him sadly, stroking him, wishing he could do something to take all this pain away… Or prevent it in the first place.

"I _love_ you, my darling… I'll never leave you. I haven't yet, have I..?" His voice held nothing but compassion. Squidward's breath hitched.

"… You should've," he whispered, then wondering how much better Spongebob's life would be if he didn't have to deal with such a pessimistic and heartless piece of shit for a boyfriend.

" _Skuh-_ _ **widward**_ **!** " Spongebob gasped, offended. "Don't you _dare_ start with that, mister! I don't want you dwelling on that, Squiddy. Please… I love you no matter what… We all make mistakes and hurt each other sometimes… But you're learning, right? That's all that matters. You're _much_ nicer now than you used to be, heh. But I didn't leave because I didn't _want_ to – whether or not I _should've_ isn't important. The fact is that I didn't." This only seemed to upset Squidward more for some reason – he heaved a sob, his face completely smushed into his partner's chest.

"I-I don't _deserve_ you… Wh-why can't you see that..? I didn't deserve—ghh— _her_ either…" Spongebob's brow furrowed further. He monitored Squidward carefully, not giving a response at first and just continuing to scratch gently at his scalp.

"… It wasn't your fault," he finally said.

Squidward didn't seem to hear that comment. "I… I deserve…"

The fingers in Squidward's hair ceased their movements. "Don't you **_dare_** _,_ Squidward," came the cutting tone of warning. Spongebob was not having _any_ of that. He knew what was coming next and he did _not_ want to hear those words uttered ever again in his _entire life_. When Squidward's insecurity and depression shifted into Maximum Overdrive, he was more prone to thinking about his ex and all of the terrible things that had been drilled into his head. "You _know_ that's not true. None of it is."

"Buh… But… He… I… I'm not _good enough…_ A-and I never will be… I'll always be a loser… And—"

"That's **_enough,_** " Spongebob snapped. Squidward flinched in response. "You are _not_ a loser, you're not a waste, you don't not have talent, you're not a failure, and people _do_ care about you. _I_ care about you. Squilliam was never right. No one deserves to be treated that way. You aren't nothing without him… You're your own person, a better person than he could _ever_ be. Even if…" He took a shaky and emotional breath, clutching Squidward close. "Even if you don't feel like you deserve kindness… _I_ think you do. _Please…_ Don't ever think that you should have to go through something like that… I'd give you the world, Squidward, because I love you and think you deserve only the best. I'm always here for you, no matter what… Here. Sit up for a sec." Squidward did so hesitantly.

Spongebob pressed his palm to a tearstained, reddened cheek, and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend as gingerly as he could. He made sure it was a long, tender kiss that conveyed at least a portion of the intense adoration he felt for him. Squidward couldn't help but weep, trembling hands tugging at the other's clothes in desperation. Spongebob murmured lovingly against his lips in hopes of reassuring him that everything was alright and that he was cared for.

The tidal wave of pain and sadness was a frigid one. If you got caught in the undertow, you'd have to withstand the cold until you swam free. But the kiss – it was warm and inviting, a rush of balmy water that Squidward could actually _feel_ in the ocean around them somehow. A sense of relief washed over him. Maybe… Maybe Spongebob was right. Maybe he _wasn't_ a total loser. Maybe he _did_ have some talents. Maybe people _would_ like his work more if he were nicer. Maybe he _was_ allowed to have nice things. So long as he gave his best effort in being a good person, maybe he could eventually atone for his sins, heal, and push past everything Squilliam had instilled in him. Maybe this relationship _would_ last. Maybe he'd change himself enough to be the boyfriend Spongebob deserved. He hoped so.

* * *

 _It_ _ **hurts**_ _just to wake up, whenever you're_ _ **wearing thin**_ _–_ _ **alone**_ _on the_ _ **outside**_ _, so tired of_ _ **looking in**_ _._ _ **The end is uncertain**_ _, and_ _ **I've never been so afraid**_ _, but I don't need a telescope to see that_ _ **there's hope**_ _and that makes me feel…_ _ **Brave.**_

Spongebob held Squidward close for a long time. He allowed his lover to cry himself out, having eventually lain down with Squidward atop him, who kept his head near his chest to listen to the steady beat of his heart. Squidward was exhausted – he'd been worn so thin by his thoughts. So much so that he barely had any energy to process thought left. Amidst all of the darkness, there was a light. A light so bright it was able to reach out and touch him, and pull him along the road to safety. The road to change. The road to being a good person. The road to being more open and free. The road to treating others better. The road to having a happy and long-lasting relationship. The road to a _better life._

"Spongebob..?" Squidward finally spoke in a groggy, wavering voice.

"Mmm?"

"I love you… Would you mind making me that hot chocolate now..?"

"… Uh, well… I can't move my legs, Squidward."

"… Oh—sorry." With a loud sniffle, he pulled himself upright and moved to stand, freeing his partner. He wobbled a bit and rubbed at his tired and messy face. When Spongebob got up, he had to tug him down a little bit to kiss his cheek. Having such a tall boyfriend was tough sometimes!

"It's okay, snugglepuss. I love you too. Is there anything else you want?" He smiled that gap-toothed smile of his. Squidward's face reddened for an entirely different reason this time. Good lord, the _petnames_ … He still wasn't used to it.

"N… No, I… Think that's all. Thank you…" Rubbing at the back of his neck bashfully, Squidward seated himself once more.

"Aye aye! I'll go get that for you. You stay here and rest." After a smooch to the other's nose, Spongebob ran off to fulfill his request. Squidward watched him leave, noting how hastily he'd done so. He always worked so hard…

Even while overwrought with guilt and grief, there was a tingle of heat in Squidward's belly. He had no idea how this would go, or if he'd mess it up, or if he'd ever really change… But Spongebob gave him hope. Spongebob gave him courage. Spongebob gave him a _lot_ of things.

He'd give it all back someday.


End file.
